Collateral Damage

I realize that I am not alone in feeling like collateral damage of the 21st century, but I am honestly starting to feel run over by the younger generation. I feel useless and out of date, and not just from the current fads, but from the entire human race. I find myself addicted to checking my phone, scrolling my Twitter feed, hoping for some chance to engage, and more often than not, regretting when I do.

I don’t understand the point of a lot of things.

I don’t feel like I fit, and at my age, that’s something I would have hoped to have outgrown. You’d think I would have figured it out by now, but I have no idea, honestly, what to do with this thing called LIFE.

I just saw the doctor, and apparently the other collateral damage in my life is my vocal cords, which are damaged/constricted. The doctor says he won’t know until he sees the results of my upcoming CT scan, but he suspects that it’s my vocal cords which are making my breathing difficult.

He was pretty vague. To be honest, he was — what is le mot juste? — a smarmy prick. He spent about 30 seconds examining my throat via camera, told me it might get better, and if he saw nothing on the CT scan of my trachea, then he’d refer me to another specialist. I feel like today’s visit was such a waste of time. He told me that he was the one who did the tracheotomy and I felt like he was implying that there could be nothing wrong with my trachea — after all, he had done the procedure.

Anyway, now I’m projecting. The point of this journal entry (because after all, that’s what they are. It’s LiveJournal all over again.) was to talk about the loneliness of the middle distance runner.



5 thoughts on “Collateral Damage

  1. I have a feeling that what we are experiencing (because I know what you mean) is what people over a certain age have been feeling since humanity began. Of course, that ‘certain age’ has changed as time has passe and we began to live longer.

    I re-joined my local library at the weekend. I felt completely at a loss for – in the intervening years they have removed the desk where you check out your books and have human interaction with a librarian. Now – it’s self-service like those horrendous self-service tills in supermarkets. They do still have (very friendly) staff, but they don’t use the Dewey decimal system any more either.

    I yearn for those wooden drawers with the brass nameplates and brass cup handles on the front, where you flicked through index cards to see if a particular book was available.

    She writes… interacting with a person on the other side of the Atlantic via a phone that has more computing power than her first dial-up laptop….


    1. I thought that when I went back to work, I would gain some sort of purpose…. but alas, the job I found is more the kind where I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall all day and accomplishing nothing. There’s a social aspect to it that forces me to interact with other humans but I’m struggling.
      Depression is rotten. It just sucks the joy out of everything.
      I, too, miss the library. Now it’s just a place where people hang out and play on the public computers.


  2. I never found the middle distances lonely. And now I just wish I could still run middle distances.
    Life? The meaning of life?
    If you figure it out would you let me know?
    At one point I figured out what I needed to be happy, which could be the same thing but doesnt have to be. It was an easier concept to grasp and attain… And perhaps that has made the difference.


  3. Happy? I’m certain that I have moments of happiness, but in general, the depression clouds hang low. Which makes it hard to see during those runs.

    Ha.. running. I wish I could run. Of course, I’d need to be able to breathe properly!
    First thing I think I need to be happy is to get healthier. Which means waiting on CT scans and potential surgery.
    I think I need to learn to be content and happy with where I am, otherwise I’m never going to be happy — always chasing some hypothetical happy place.


  4. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. What I’ve found to be helpful when dealing with depression or feeling low is pushing myself to help someone. No matter how bad things are there is always someone that has it worse and helping them can help us be more grateful for our situation. When I would send someone a get well card, make a meal for someone infirm, or help someone older with house chores I find the words at Acts 20:35 to be true that “there is more happiness in giving than receiving”.

    Liked by 1 person

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