I Don’t Know What to Say

I’ve lost my voice in more ways than one.

Part of it has to do with the stupid operation I had to have to make it easier for me to breathe, and so now my voice is diminished and it takes an effort for me to speak.

Part of it has to do with me not having anything interesting to say.

Put me in a room with someone, and I barely contribute to the conversation anymore.

I just don’t know what to say, and the things that are on my mind, nobody wants to hear.

So here it is, all the things I don’t know how to express: I still routinely think about suicide. I still miss Sarah so much it hurts, and it doesn’t take much for me to be reduced to tears. I’m miserable, and hate my lonely life so much. My new job fills me with anxiety, and my days off are spent not knowing how to fill the time. I still cry like a baby when I’m all by myself. I’m not sure why I’m still alive; I don’t know how to get past my near death experience, followed by Sarah’s death. I’m stuck in a moment that I can’t get out of, and quite honestly, I’m embarrassed and ashamed by that.

So when someone asks me how I’m doing, I don’t know what to say.

I’ve lost my voice. I find myself living vicariously through the music I listen to, or the books I read, letting the lyrics of songs speak for me. But when I try to put to words how I’m feeling, all that comes out is the same frankly depressing diatribes.

Which nobody can listen to for long before tuning out.

I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to say anymore.