Is There Anybody Out There

Is this thing on?

Well, I got up this morning at around 5 am – sleep and I are not good bedfellows right now (did you see what I did there? I’m pretty fucking clever, I tell you) — and wrote about 2000 words toward a story that is actually part of a story cycle that I’m working on set in the same universe as the novel CHUK. Yes, I’m succumbing to the “it’s all fucking connected” syndrome, and all of my stories seem to be finding their way into this world, a la Mr. King, and before him, Mr. Tolkien.  Etc. Etc.

(I’m also developing an Agatha Christie by way of Chuck Palahniuk kind of surreal murder mystery as well as an Alan Moore-esque bit of meta fiction involving Norman Bates, Nyarlathotep and Solomon Kane, and Mr. Dark from Bradbury’s Something Wicked This Way Comes, whose creators, believe it or not, all wrote for Weird Tales magazine. It’s true — Conan the Barbarian and C’thulhu had the same birthplace, as did many other tales from Bradbury and Bloch).

Have I lost you? Would it be better if I wrote stuff that had less of a literary bent? Dumb it down a bit?

Go fuck your hat, I’m writing for me, and if you want to ride-along, then hop in the back, we’re going for a ride.

Questions, questions… will I ever get back to Jessica & Helena. Yes. I’m 2/3 of the way through INCARNATE, the third and final book of the Jessica B. Bell trilogy. I’ve not been writing until now because I was going through a “What’s it all about?” phase, on some bad meds that were doing nothing for me, and just a general apathy and major boredom thing going on, in a totally non-military way.

So, I’m prodding.

Plus, I committed social suicide. This is honestly the first thing  I’ve written for public consumption in months, and I don’t even know if anyone will see this. I closed all of my social media accounts, thought I’d shut down my blogs — turns out this one is still here, so I thought I’d use it to see if there are still people out there.

Mentally, I’m in a bit of crisis — I’ve lost faith in everything. I don’t believe in gods or devils, I don’t believe in religions or philosophies, I’ve lost faith in politicians, I’ve lost faith in democracy, I’ve lost faith in the goodness of people, and freedom of speech and other illusions; I don’t believe in governments who are only interested in perpetuating the status quo, I don’t believe in Trump, I don’t believe in Trudeau, I don’t believe in Helena or Jessica or whatever you want to call me. I just believe in me. Sarah and me. And in shamelessly cribbing lines from John Lennon. I’ll always believe in that.

Where that leaves me is in a place without hope. And hopelessness is dark — a darkness you cannot penetrate, because no matter what kind of light you shine, the darkness will always swallow it.

I find myself more or less permanently unemployed. I receive Disability Benefits that don’t even pay my bills, and I don’t know what my future holds. I am terrified that the longer I stay away from the workforce, the harder it’s going to be to ever go back, but the idea of being around other people all day makes me want to throw up.

Sarah is in a period of temporary reprieve from treatment for Stage Four Endometrial Cancer — I don’t think I’ve ever spoken of this here, but as no one is going to read this, it is a good place for me to spill what’s on my mind. She thinks she’s a burden, but if anything, taking care of her gives me a purpose — and really, what do I have to do to take care of her most days? Hang out and listen to music with her, rub her joints when she needs it, keep her supplied with medicine? Not a terrible gig, most days. It’s not always rosy — there was that period where she was having grand mal seizures every few days, or the mini-seizures that could happen at any time, anywhere.

So no, I haven’t been writing any fiction, nor any non-fiction, for that matter. I learned how to author video (ie. make DVDs and Blu Rays, etc…. not really a big deal) and started turning my music catalogue (all digital) into something tangible again. I think I missed my record collection. I need physical media in my life!

So anyway. Time to go do laundry. If you read any of this, say hello. I’ve not missed much, but I’ve missed conferring, conversing, and otherwise hobnobbing with my fellow writers.