A Sea of Troubles

To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? 

William Shakespeare – “Hamlet”

Hey, if you’re going to start a post with to be or fucking not to be, you’d better have something to say.

The truth is, I feel like I am neck deep in that sea of troubles (I’m not, but more on that later) and I’m tired of swimming.

See, the full-time gig I landed turned out to be a bust — due to a lack of city funding, etc etc. — and at the end of June I am definitely out of a job. Short-lived joy (not really, but remind me to get back to that) but the bright side is, I have already sort of interviewed for another full-time position within the same company (they want to keep me, so that’s good news) and I’m just waiting to hear back about that, but it looks good. So I’m not really in a sea of troubles, it’s just uncertainty, which is nerve-wracking and it’s beginning to get to me. Because I am able to think two ways about things. Part of me (call it Thing One, and you can guess what the other part of me will be called. Steve, of course. No, I kid, I kid. I also digress. Sorry. Where was I? Oh yes, part of me) feels like I can’t catch a break. Like, every time something good happens, the carpet gets pulled out from under me. And, if you know my most recent history, you could forgive me for feeling that way. But then Thing Two, well, what Thing Two thinks is that I’ve got SO much going good for me right now. I’ve got a job, and I know I’m going to get the other position, I just know it, and I’m heading to Montreal for Canada Day weekend, back to where Helena Hann-Basquiat was born lo so many years ago now. And if I don’t get the job, well, there are other places hiring and I have connections with some of them.

So, the not really short lived joy — where I’m working is already getting to me. It’s super stressful — I won’t go into the details but I’m working with a population of people who are unpredictable, and I think I just stumbled upon why I’m struggling. I like predictability. I don’t like surprises, especially unpleasant ones. And I’m a terrible authority figure, and I’m put in a position where I have to be authoritative from time to time. Besides physically not being able to raise my voice (you may recall I had to have part of my vocal cords removed after they’d been damaged… long story, involving a coma and nightmares that included a crazed Gowan fan kidnapping me because she thought that I was Gowan, but had had massive plastic surgery to escape “fame”. Who’s Gowan, you ask? I’ll get back to that. I digressed again. Shit. So, I’m physically not able to raise my voice) and so I’m constantly feeling awkward about having to become stern with someone who I need to be stern with.

Anyhow the whole thing is causing me a lot of stress, and I’m not sleeping, so I went and bought some Melatonin today and I hope that helps. Anyway, I started with Shakespeare and I’m gonna end with a Canadian pop star from the 80s who scored two hits (that I know of) and was, indeed, a Strange Animal. Fun fact – the success of this album was in part due to the fact that his studio band was Tony Levin, David Rhodes and Jerry Marotta, AKA Peter Gabriel’s band.